You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
