C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
