the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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