On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
