sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
