I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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