Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
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I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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