I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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