I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
