So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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