True but thats because hes a fetus.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
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She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
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I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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