i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
