Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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