wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize