The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
