can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
