Are we in a gay sports bar?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
