Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
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You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
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I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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