I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
