Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I had to cum in my sink.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
