I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
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To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
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No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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