I will die if light touches me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
