The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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