he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
