Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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