my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
