i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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