Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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