The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
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so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records