He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
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I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea