how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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