just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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