I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Two words: nipple clamps
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