Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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