that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
