So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
