i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
