Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
