What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
