when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
