He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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