So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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