Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
