how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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