Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
