The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
