oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
