Screwed.edu
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
