My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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