Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
