You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
