No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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