did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
