i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
