My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
