Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
